There you go, I said it. Right out front, no holding back.
I am not a domestic Super Star.

People hear me say that I have 7 boys and they think “wow, you must really have your life together”
Wrong! To be honest, it’s actually strange to me; That since I was a small child I have dreamed of being a mother. Yet, here I am, 45 years in and I am most definitely a mother. To seven boys. Seven wildly amazing, stress inducing, chaotic, (mostly adult now), incredible young men.
I have never ever been good at motherhood. I take very little credit, if any for the way they turned out.
Don’t get me wrong; I love my boys to the depths of my soul.
IF I could, I would breathe fire for them.
I would stand in front of a locomotive for them.
I’d walk on glass for them.
I would move heaven and earth for them if it were possible.
But, I don’t exactly enjoy motherhood all the time.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been in total denial of this harsh reality for 29 years.

I just talked about this on Mother’s Day, but apparently I wasn’t finished.

Here are some of the thoughts I have as to where I might have lost my way.

I became a mother at the age of 15.

That’s right, at FIFTEEN years old, I became a mother. Then again at 17 years old. That was only after I pretty much raised my little sisters. Due to my mother’s drug addiction and our fathers neglect to see the life we were living.
(Praise God my mother is now clean, and our dads eyes were eventually opened…but those are other stories to be told)

I got married at 20

Instantly we had a blended family of 3 boys under the age of 4. Then I got saved, in a pentecostal church. Naturally the message there is for women to be stay at home mothers. I was able to do that for a short time early in our marriage. UntiI Phil got injured on the job, and I was left with no other choice but to go to work full time. He stayed home to raise the boys, and did an incredible job. While hindsight, it was SUCH a blessing he could be home raising the 5 boys we had by then. I remained bitter nearly the entire time because I thought I was supposed to be the one home raising our boys.

I’ve never been able to truly find myself.

Here I am at 45 years old, looking for her. Looking to be the best version of me that I was created to be. and I still struggle to show up.
I love getting to stay home with Matthias now, but I also know I was meant to pursue things great. I am a born leader and entrepreneur. The harsh reality at this season of life is that I’m trying to chase this identity now and I have an extremely small circle of support for Matthias. I so desire to say, “I just take my son to work with me” but that’s rarely even an option, because he’s busy. So incredibly busy. Having meaningful conversation is often difficult with him present, and it stirs up a bitterness in me.
Like…WHY? Why did God give me this wildly amazing little boy after 15 years, when I’m not even good at mothering to begin with??

The answer is; I don’t freaking know. But I’m figuring it out.